Showing posts with label Cricket jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cricket jokes. Show all posts
Monday, December 28, 2009

Cricket Jokes

At the start of the Indian innings(280 required for a win), 
Ganguly to Ramesh "I am not comfortable with Akhtar's pace. So I 
will attack Akram and u take care of Akhtar." 

After 4 overs(with hardly any runs on the board), 
Ramesh to Ganguly "These guys are bowling very fast. We will see 
them off and then attack Mahmood and Saqlain." 

After 13 overs(when Azhar Mahmood and Saqlain were bowling), 
Ganguly to Dravid "I don't think we can score off these guys as
well. We will wait for Arshad Khan and Shahid Afridi. Surely we can easily 
attack them. After all, Shahid Afridi is a part-time bowler." 

After Afridi bowled some overs, 
Dravid to Robin Singh "Don't worry, Robin. I heard that England
bowlers are easier to score off. We will play out 50 overs and attack in the 
next match." 

At the end of the match, 
Joshi to Mongia "Why didn't u try to force the pace?" 

Mongia to Joshi "No, yaar. If I try to force the pace against these 
bowlers, I will get out. There is only one way by which I can score runs fastly without getting out." 

Joshi to Mongia "What is it?" 

Mongia to Joshi " You have to bowl to me."
Nagma boli kem chhey kem chhey kem chhey 
Dada bole eim chhey eim chhey eim chhey 
runs nahin bante hain matches mein 
arrey yeh to game chhey game 
chhey game chhey game chhey 
Jab ball ko maine dekha aur dekh ke maara shot 
sneak liya ball ne aur ho gaya main caught 
last time tha score less than 10 
aur is baar bhi same chhey same chhey 
same chhey same chhey 
Jab fielding ki thi baari to chhode maine catch 
mere kaaran hi India ne haare itne match 
khelta hoon itna ghatiya par mujhko 
aati nahin shame chhey shame 
chhey shame chhey shame chhey
1) Declaring the winner: If Pakistan bats first and scores x runs then 
the target for India will be revised to x/2. They need to score (x/2)+1 
runs to be declared winner. If India bats first then the number of overs 
for Pakistan will be reduced to 25. Even after these modifications India 
contrive to lose, they will be awarded psychological victory. 

2) Fielding restrictions: When India is fielding, as soon as any fielder 
touches the ball, it will be deemed as dead ball and Pakistan batsmen 
will only be allowed to complete that run. This modification is being 
done to eliminate time being wasted for overthrows etc. 

3) By popular demand from Indian players, a few additional coaches have 
been included in the touring party with immediate effect. They are, 
Batting coach : Ravi Shastri 
Bowling Coach(with experience in Sharjah conditions) : Chetan 
Sharma 
Fielding Coach : Ravi Shastri(Dual responsibility) 
TV Commercials Coach : Salman Khan 
Video Coach : Name will be announced later 

4) As the deadline to submit final 15 players for the 1999 World Cup is 
over, the result of the match on 18th April between 1983 Indian team and 
the current team will not have any bearing on the team going to England. 

Any other suggestions are welcome. We at the ICC would like to 
ascertain again our commitment to spread the game of cricket globally, from Mozambique to Maldives and from Turkmenistan to Tibet. 

Thanking You. 
Yours Sincerely, 
Jagmohan Dalmiya
Dinesh Karthick confesses that his skills in getting ready and padded have improved a lot. 
As soon as Ganguly goes to bat, I know there is very little time in getting ready. "I must have broken world records a few times in this series" , says the Indian dimunitive wicketkeeper.
Law 1 : The Players. 
Law 2 : Subs/runners, leaving field, retiring, commencing innings. 
Law 3 : The Umpires. 
Law 4 : The Scorers. 
Law 5 : The Ball. 
Law 6 : The Bat. 
Law 7 : The Pitch. 
Law 8 : The Wickets. 
Law 9 : The Bowling, Popping and Return Creases. 
Law 10 : Rolling,Sweeping,Mowing,Watering the Pitch and Remarking of Creases. 
Law 11 : Covering the Pitch. 
Law 12 : Innings. 
Law 13 : The Follow-On. 
Law 14 : Declaration and Forfeiture. 
Law 15 : Intervals. 
Law 16 : Start of Play, Cessation of Play. 
Law 17 : Practice on the Field. 
Law 18 : Scoring Runs. 
Law 19 : Boundaries. 
Law 20 : Lost Ball. 
Law 21 : The Result. 
Law 22 : The Over. 
Law 23 : Dead Ball. 
Law 24 : No Ball. 
Law 25 : Wide Ball. 
Law 26 : Bye and Leg Bye. 
Law 27 : Appeals. 
Law 28 : The Wicket is Down. 
Law 29 : Batsman out of his Ground. 
Law 30 : Bowled. 
Law 31 : Timed Out. 
Law 32 : Caught. 
Law 33 : Handled the Ball. 
Law 34 : Hit the Ball Twice. 
Law 35 : Hit Wicket. 
Law 36 : Leg Before Wicket. 
Law 37 : Obstructing the Field. 
Law 38 : Run Out. 
Law 39 : Stumped. 
Law 40 : The Wicket-Keeper. 
Law 41 : The Fielder. 
Law 42 : Fair and Unfair Play.
This is your first stint as commentator. What kind of homework did you do? 
I personally want to thank Aamir Khan for creating such a learning tool for me?I've watched Lagaan 15 times so far. 


2. How important is it for our cricketers to improve their technique? 
I really can't comment on that ... (blushing) ... Oh! That! Yes, it is 
very important for them to work on their technique constantly .... 


3. What are the qualities required in a commentator? 
I think most other requirements are obvious, but here's a tip?I've 
discovered that getting your teeth whitened really helps. 


4. How good is your knowledge of cricket? 
Better than George Bush's knowledge of geography. 


Okay, tell us, who's the third man? 
Well, in the last match it was Sourav Ganguly. Charu, hey Charu, didn't Sourav bat third in the match against Pakistan? 


6. Tut tut, what position does the third man take? 
Listen, you go read the Kamasutra. I don't have time for nonsense like this. 


7. Mandira, third man is a fielding position. Where does the third man stand? 
Oh, you mean thaaat. After the first and the second. 


8. Do you know where a cover drive is headed? 
I'm afraid in cricket, the ball has a mind of its own, and a lot of the times you have to wait and watch. I'm sorry, I can't help you with that one. 

9. What's second slip? 
The second time a fielder drops a catch. 


10. What's a wide? 
Well, Kapil said my neckline was rather wide today ... 


11. Female cricket commentators are rare. Who have you modelled yourself on? 
Jane Fonda. Do you know how popular her fitness videos are? And since cricket is also about fitness, there could be no one better for me to emulate. 


12. Do you feel that cricket is a fair game? 
Mostly, but sometimes I feel that there is a loophole. For instance, they say there's a third umpire. But who knows if there's a person inside that screen. 


13. People say you have been selected as commentator to titillate the 
male audience. Is that true? 
Really?! But the producers said I had a talent ... 

14. People are looking forward to your outfit for the finals ... What 
will you be wearing for the match? 
Whether India reaches the finals or not, I will show my patriotism by 
wearing a designer ghaghra choli in tricolour. 


15. That strapped choli you wore the other day ... isn't it cold in the 
studio? 
Not at all. In fact, it's rather hot. Have you noticed how Srikkanth and 

Kapil melt like wax candles while they're around me? 


16. How do you prepare for matches? 
I first find out who is playing against whom, and in all fairness wish 
both teams all the best. And, if India is playing, I sing a special Hum honge kamyaab. 


17. Do you have a message for the Indian cricket team? 
Hum honge kamyaab, hum honge kamyaab ...
Step 1: Boil one cup of water 

Step 2: As soon as Ganguly goes for batting, put the noodles in the boiled 
water and put the tastemaker. 

Step 3: Stir till Ganguly is onfield. 

Step 4: As soon as Ganguly is back in pavilion, your noodles are ready to eat.....
Do you know when the game of cricket was invented? What is the tradition behind the Ashes? What is Viv Richard's top score? How did Richie Richardson celebrate West Indies' win? Well we do, and are keen to share it with you. There are other interesting facts and figure about this national past-time that are sure to keep you enthralled and on the roll. 

The best & worst of Indian Cricket 

Little Master's Big Mistakes - 
Kapil Dev and Malcolm Marshall are the only two bowlers to claim wickets in the first ball of a test match twice. And do you know, the only batsman to have been dismissed twice in the first ball of a test match... is none other than Sunil Gavaskar? Now, now, we sure don't know enough about the Little Master, or do we? 

India, The underdog - 
Nobody expected India to beat West Indies in the final of 1983 World Cup. Ladbroke's, the official betting agency, offered odds of 100-1 on India winning. That meant that if you put 100 pounds on India winning, you could walk way with a cool 100,000 pounds. And as you know India won. Whoever put their money on India sure made a killing that day. 

Test Cricket, yawn… blame it on India & Pakistan - 
If test cricket has begun losing out to one-day cricket in popularity, perhaps the sub-continental teams, particularly India and Pakistan, should take the blame. Here's why: India and Pakistan are the only countries to have played out a 0-0 draw in Test series --- a five-test series! And not just once, but thrice! Yawwwnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

The first test for India - 
India played its first Test way back in 1932, when C.K. Nayudu led a side to England. The team couldn't have asked for a better start, dismissing England for 259. However, India's reply wasn't exactly better, with their innings folding up for just 188. England (led by Douglas Jardine) then set India a total of 346 to win, after declaring at 275 for 8 in its second innings. The Indian team didn't come too close to that target, and lost the Test by 158 runs. 

The first test win for India - 
The win came at home against England in 1951-52, 20 years after India first played Test cricket. And it was an emphatic win at that, although it must said that the English did not send its strongest side. Yet it was a moment to savour. England were bowled out for 266, with Vinoo Mankad grabbing eight of those wickets. India replied with a solid 457, with Pankaj Roy and Polly Umrigar slamming centuries. On a pitch that was breaking up and spinning, India bowled out England for a measly 183 in the second innings, to win the Test by an innings and eight runs. 

India: Zero for four! - 
In the initial years, Indian cricketers were learning the game the hard way. In 1947, they were thrashed 4-0 when they toured Australia. And in 1952, after having just recorded its first Test win (at home against England), India slipped back to its losing ways. The team started the series against England at Headingley disastrously by making the worst start to an innings by any Test team. They were 0 for four after fourteen balls, with Fred Trueman taking three of those wickets without conceding a ball. Needless to say, India lost that Test. 

India's First Overseas Test Win - 
In the 1967 – 68 Series by 5 wickets. This test victory incidentally bought India their first test victory outside the subcontinent. Wadekar's 143, in the third Test vs New Zealand at Basin Reserve (Wellington) during March 1968, saw the Junior Nawab of Pataudi's India go up 2-1 in that four-match series, as India beat New Zealand by eight wickets. Our 272-run victory in the fourth and final Test at Eden Park (Auckland) helped India register its ``first overseas series win''. we clinched the rubber 3-1. It was mainly thanks to Erapalli Prasanna's match analysis of 55.1- 26-84-8 and Bishan Singh Bedi's match figures of 34.4-19-35-5 (on top of Farokh Engineer's 48, Rusi Surti's 99 and Chandu Borde's 65 not out) that we won that fourth determinant Test 

Bedi, one of India's best - 
There is good reason why Bishan Bedi is considered one of the best bowlers of all times. Consider this, in 1972-3 series against England, he conceded just 1.69 runs per over. And this was over an average of 41 overs per innings. Of course this was not without wickets, they totaled to 25. 

Chandrasekhar: The classic number II - 
Leg spin wizard B.S. Chandrasekhar has the dubious distinction of taking more wickets than scoring runs. In 58 tests he grabbed 242 wickets but scored only 167 runs. He was dismissed for a duck 24 times in 80 innings. But Chandrasekhar did succeed in remaining not out on 39 occasions. That should have done his average some good! 

Gavaskar's centuries - 
Sunil Gavaskar's 34 centuries have been scored at 19 different test centers of the world. Five of those were scored on his home ground, the Wankhede Stadium in Mumbai. His highest score is 236 not out against the West Indies in Chennai in 1983-84. He also has two more double centuries against the West Indies: 220 at Port of Spain in 1970-71, and 205 at Mumbai in 1978-79. Gavaskar has another double century to his credit, 221 against England at the Oval in 1979. 

Ranjit Singhji, The Innovator - 
It is considered as his greatest technical contribution to cricket. In fact Ranjit Singhji, or Ranji as he was better known, invented the leg glance quite by accident. According to him, during his early years at Cambridge, he had yet to perfect playing a fast ball. His right leg would almost invariably move away from the wicket exposing the stumps. So he started experimenting by firmly implanting his right foot and gliding the ball away towards the leg side. Eventually this became a popular stroke and got termed the `leg-glance'. 

Indian princes scored 100s for England - 
There were three Indian princes who played Test cricket for England. These were Ranjitsinhji, Duleepsinhji and the Nawab of Pataudi senior. All three made centuries in their first tests against Australia! 

Unusual match for Kunderan - 
Budhi Kunderan, opened India's batting and bowling against England at Edgbaston in 1967. And importantly also kept wickets for the same match. 
With two of India's new-ball bowlers unavailable because of injury, Kunderan was also given his only chance to bowl during that tour! 

Good Chasers, India and Australia - 
In cricket, most times it is impossible to chase targets above 300. But India and Australia have managed to do so. They have managed to get to 316, which is the highest score chased successfully, in a one-day match. And coincidentally, both these teams chased the scores against Pakistan. More recently in the Natwest series in England India successfully chased a total of 325 and won the finals. 

India's Triumphant Chase - 
Chasing a set target for the team batting second, is always considered difficult, be it one day or a test match. Yet, India has managed to set a record in chasing, by successfully reaching 406/6, in a test match and that too in the fourth innings of the match. The opposition was West Indies, in 1975/76 in Port of Spain. 

Economical surprise! Most economical bowling figures - 
Guess who holds the record for the most economical bowling figures in One-Day International Cricket. Nope it is not any of the full time bowlers, its West Indian opening batsman Phil Simmons. Simmons had a dream spell at Sydney, against Pakistan with figures of 10-8-3-4.
The Reliance Service is not up to the mark. Their 
Technology and WLL 
actually let slip the World Cup from India's Grasp. 

Do You Know How ? Read........on 
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. .Technical fault by Reliance cost us the World Cup ... 
. .kamino ne SEHWAG ki maa ka message PONTING ko bhej diya!!!
A real scene in a DIVORCE COURT...... 

The Judge asks the little girl : 
Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with 
your mummy ? 

Little Girl.- No, my mummy beats me. 

Judge.- Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy ? 

Little Girl.- No, my daddy beats me too. 

Judge.- Well then, who do you want to live with ??? 

Little Girl.- I want to live with the INDIAN CRICKET TEAM, they never 
beat anybody !!!
Here's what our Indian Cricket Team Members want to say after losing the world cup: 

DRAVID - Don't worry. Agla world cup hum hee jeetenge. 

SEHWAG - Bermuda kaafi strong team thi. I think main form me vapas aa gaya hun. 

SACHIN - Please mujhe mat nikalo. Mujko coach hi bana dalo. 

GANGULY - Maine to pehle hee bola tha. Sona chandi chawanprash saath le chalo. 

DHONI - Next world cup mey main salman khan jaisa hair cut rakhunga. 

HARBHAJAN - Nepal ki team mey apna resume de dunga.
Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs, They split up so that they could learn more in the time allowed. 

When they met to share their knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen. 

"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the edges, several thousand worshipers gathered. Then two priests walk to the center of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground, three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then two high priests wielding clubs walk to the center and one of the other priests starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs." 

"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?" 

"Then it begins to rain."
Vacancies 

1) Captain (P-001), 

2) Vice Captain (P-002), 

3) Coach (P-003) and 

4) Team Members (P-004) 


Eligibility Criteria 

* We are looking for Audience who have consistently watched all the world cup matches and who have scored over 65 runs in Room Cricket & Street Cricket. 

* Experience in Football, Volley ball is an added advantage... 

* Expereince in Modeling, Actors are most preferable... 


Selection Process 

* Batting Test (Vs Bermuda ) (Candidate must score at least 50 runs ) 

* Bowling/Fielding Test (Candidate should not bowl more than 3 wides /no balls in an Over) 

(Candidates will be called upon for the selection process based on the Eligibility Criteria)
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring 

that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. 

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. 

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and 

learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. 

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody of the boy to the Indian Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes is not capable of beating anyone.
Sehwag's wife wants him to go to the market, but Sehwag is afraid to venture out in public. 
He feels people will go after him for his dismal performance on the field with the willow. 
So he does go to the market dressed as a woman. 
There, a beautiful woman comes up to him and says, "Kya Sehwag, kaise ho?" 
Surprised Sehwag asks, "How do you know? 
The woman says, "Pehchana nahin? Mein Sachin!"
5 reasons why India succeeds at 20-20 format and regularly fails in cricket ODIs and tests. 

- The average Indian movie lasts 3 hours and so this form of the game makes the Indian player feel right at home. 

- Indians play better when they know they are paid the same for doing lesser than usual. 


- Indians hold their nerve in shorter versions of anything…. 


- Indians are better when the premium is on speed of scoring rather than the size of their score…. 


- Indians succeed when the climax is not that far away from the start…..
Anil Kumble and Sachin Tendulkar, now elderly, 85 and 80 years old are sitting on a park bench outside Lord’s cricket ground feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, past series and tours. 

Kumble turns to Tendulkar and asks, ‘Do you think there’s cricket in heaven?’ 

Tendulkar thinks about it for a minute and replies, ‘I dunno. But let’s make an agreement: if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s cricket in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.’ They shake hands on it. 

Sadly, a few months later, poor Kumble passes on. 

One day soon afterward, Tendulkar is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, ‘Sachin….Sachin’ 

Tendulkar responds, ‘Anil, is that you?’ Yes it is me, ‘whispers Kumble’s ghost. 

Tendulkar still amazed enquires, ‘So, is there cricket in heaven?’ 

‘Well, ’says Kumble, ‘I’ve got good news and bad news.’ 

‘Gimme the good news first, ’says Tendulkar. 

‘Well… there is cricket in heaven.’ 

Tendulkar says, ‘That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?’ 

Kumble sighs and whispers, ‘You are going to open the innings this Friday.
*What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet? 
-The entire Indian Innings. 

*Where do Indian batsmen perform there best? 
-In Advertisements. 

*When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name? 
-When he is bowling. 

*What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen? 
-The walk back to the pavilion. 

*How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 
overs? 
-Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on. 

*What is the Indian version of a hat-trick? 
-3 runs in 3 balls. 

*What is the height of optimism ? 
-Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.
There was a couple married for quite some time and they had a boy of 5-6 years old. Their relationship was turning sour. 

So finally it reached such a stage that they thought it was better for them to be divorced than carry on such a relationship. 

So they consulted a lawyer. But the big question was who would have the kid. In the hearing in the court. It was decided that this choice should be left on the kid. So the judge asked “Son, would you like to stay with your mummy?” 

Kid said,“No, mummy beats me” :(( So the judge asked “Then, would you like to stay with your papa then ?” Kid said, “No, papa beats me” :(( Now the judge was in a dilemma and was not able to decide what to do… after pondering for some time he smiled with the ideas he had in his mind about the child… 

And he gave the judgment that the kid would stay with… 

any guesses? 

Come on I know you can make it…… 
Ok here goes the answer 
The kid would stay with the Indian Cricket Team because they



NEVER BEAT ANYBODY!! 
Hoo ha India…!!!
After the shameful defeat of Team India, the team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms. 

Dravid could not resist for too long to be in the hotel room and still not be able to go out shopping. So he disguises himself as another man and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him 

“Hi Dravid!” 

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as Muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet the same woman greets him 

“Hi Dravid!” 

Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain, the same lady catches him again and greets him 

“Hi Dravid!” 

Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, 

“How did you recognize me?” 

The lady replied : “I am Sachin!”